I BELONG HERE

When Charles Darwin penned the theory of Survival of the fittest, not in his wildest of dreams he must have thought that it would apply to me in such context. All our life, we human beings, undergo innumerable physical changes. But my journey began when external modifications ceased to be primary for existence. It was a struggle against me and my belief system; it was a constant battle to survive among strangers, prove my capability and carve out a niche. It was about compromise, sacrifice, adaptation, and the ultimate success – the realisation that I belong here.


I am an outsider in Delhi (that is how I will always refer myself). I came here to fulfill my dream of having a secure and successful future. Delhi is a city of opportunities, which I, a girl from a small city understood. Little did I realise then what I was leaving behind. The capital of India has infinite people who have landed here for studies or better job opportunities. But when we leave home, we have the faintest idea what is in store for us. We undergo a process of self realisation. It is that period of our lives, when we fight a war against ourselves. And I had aspired for independence, and ended up being a part of the rat race. Is this what a big city is like- fast and difficult? Maybe I was naïve. The fear of getting lost haunted me. Or maybe I was just a misfit.


I realised that I am not carefree as my peers, or as one may think I did not have wings to fly. My family has always been very protective about me. This put me in an awkward position as I was expected to be the same. I was still dependent on the comfort and support of my family which I was used to. It took me long to soak in the fact that I am supposed to lead my life on my own now.


My beliefs were questioned, my simplicity ignored, and I faced a major emotional and psychological crisis. Away from my loved ones, I did not know what is best for me - should I blindly follow the crowd and develop a mob mentality, or be firmly grounded in what I had always believed in, and prove myself.


It is about reaffirmation and adaptation. I am not rigid. I did understand that I need to adjust and cope up. I had to strike a perfect balance between retaining my beliefs and not being swept by the tide on one hand, and on the other, I had to imbibe the necessary changes dutifully with respect. It is difficult, and on many occasions I faltered, primarily due to peer pressure, but I ascertained that the winner is one who handles every situation and emotional turmoil, and finds a solution. It was this conflict within me that helped me become stronger, motivated, and focused. With the newly acquired confidence, I prepared to take on the world.


And the most visibly shocking eye opening experience was when I was made aware of my regional and linguistic identity. Quite strange, but that little town of mine never preached me this. It was an in the face blow. The so called open minded capital, imbibing international etiquettes and lifestyle, is actually divided within. People from all parts of this country tread the roads of Delhi, study and work together, yet we are motivated by our pseudo identities. I am proud to be who I am, but I started feeling apathy when this was exploited. Today, I do not like to say which part of India I belong to, I am just me. And thankfully my name does not betray me.


I do comprehend why identities are important and how they can be exploited, but I do not know why self respect is mistaken with ego. I respect others as much as I respect myself. In this city, however, it is an unconstitutional law that one should respect only oneself, and if not insult, then at least demean and bruise the rest. I was not only bruised, but injured fatally. And this wound will never heal. As they say physical injuries heal but words forever stay.


The entire process revolves around the search of an identity in an unknown place. It is not about the culture shock, nor problems faced due to change in lifestyle. But this is internal reawakening. I wanted this strange place to become my bosom friend and wished to experience that same sense of belonging and attachment like every native does.


I don’t know what I have lost or maybe acquired. I don’t think about it anymore. Yes, I have adjusted, and maybe even compromised. I have accepted the changes that have occurred in me. They were inevitable. My friends say that’s how one learns to survive; by learning the rules of the jungle. My parents often complement me that I have become mature and sensible. That’s how life is; you wage a war and then strive to win it. Maybe I have, maybe I’m still trying. I live my life today caring less but not ignoring my environment. I am on my own, surviving among those I otherwise detest. I reside in that solitary cell of mine; a part of this world but aloof. And my heart still dwells in that little home of mine, where my family is. I can’t go back, and now I don’t want to. My future lies here.


Memories don’t fade; they just take a back seat and watch you live the present moment. And as far as my present is concerned, I know only one thing – I belong here.