I don’t really know what a life changing conversation is. But sometimes conversations do change a lot of things. Like when we are in a soup, toggling between work (that keeps us awake at night) and sleep (that is deprived of us), a little pep-talk (like we lay people like to call it) can be the change that we are looking for.

This morning I was having my usual ‘plain Jane’ breakfast of cornflakes and milk (context: I am desperately trying to lose some weight, but weight-loss eludes me). There is a particular individual who works in my team. He is a runner, and quite famous too. He works for his own reasons and runs because of all the right reasons that we should all be living for. I talk to him pretty often and am always inspired by his talk on his way to fitness and ‘dreams’. And trust me, every time I want to take charge of my life, prioritise my life over mundane job roles, and push myself out of lethargy, procrastination, and lack of will, I actually encounter a lack of will like most of us, or at least some of us. It is like every night I go to sleep promising myself that I am getting old and thus I shall not have junk, and every day turns out to be yet another ‘cheat day’ for me.

So yes, this morning could well have been one of those ‘talk sessions’ where I am in awe and take nothing back really. But this morning, in fact, was different. When I wake up tomorrow morning, I do not know if my zest and lust for life will remain, or even a remnant of it. This morning was not like every morning because I realised that it is my state in life and the point in time that determines what I see, what I hear, and what I do. Today I feel the need to cut myself loose and to snap out of the life I am leading. I feel the desire to not be a grumpy 35 year old woman, steering towards some managerial role and looking not a day younger than a 50-year old. No that is not what I dream for myself. This is not what I had come out of college paving my way for.

I have not seen the wide world, nor have I seen the world that He has created of which I am fortunately not a part of. I have not travelled far and wide, nor have I taken a step towards anyone who might need me. I have followed not my dreams, nor have I lent a hand to those trying to achieve theirs. I am ashamed of myself. I am ashamed of the way I lead my life. I live not for myself, neither do I live for those around me. What am I living for, anyway, then.

And the answer lies bottled deep within me.