I am a failure

I am a failure. I have failed because I am scared.

I am scared to take the step to success. What if I lose? I know I can, but I never attempt. There is nothing that I cannot achieve, no hurdle I cannot overcome. Few on this earth possess what I have acquired. The unknown daunts me. I never try. The magnanimous battles of life can all be won. But I am a failure because I turn my back.

I am right. I have done no wrong. But my mouth doesn’t seem to open to say it all. They say silence is golden. My desperate effort to distract from this rule is crushed by my own retaliation. And my enemy wins without even putting up a fight.

And when I retort, when I protest against the misdeed and the unjust, I am still in fear. Of being trampled, of not being heard, and of failing. My teeny heart beats at a rate that can probably rattle the world, but the volcanoes erupt only inside me. Why? Why do I still not have enough courage to face my own self? What am I scared of?

I am scared of facing them all. I doubt my capabilities not because they betray me but I have cheated them all my life. I inflict pain upon myself. I have nothing to lose at all; I am not bogged down by an external presence; it is the inherent apprehension, something I cannot seem to explain.

I will never be able to stand up for myself. I will never be able to speak up. My wishes and ambitions, my choices and desires, shall all dwell only in me.

If only I battle my thoughts; if only I had a pillar holding me upright; maybe I would be the one proud of me.