I lead many lives

I lead many lives, and they have only one.

At this moment, lying on the bed in my favorite pajamas, I am the person I had desired to be. This is the true me. I am aware of my existence, and the purpose of it. I am no secret to myself. I am reserved and an introvert. I love the company of none but me. I dislike the me that forces me to not be me. No, I do not boast of my strengths and talents. I accept myself with the flaws. I curse myself and scold; I love myself too.

And then I am dragged out of my bed and forced out of the door. Oh hello! Who are you, I ask. Or rather, who should I be? I compel myself to put on the garb of a joker and entertain. Evert time I whip my soul sore till it numbingly adheres to the commands that I unwillingly levy. This is the face that I present to the world outside the safe confines of my home.

You must be thinking I carry the burden of a mere couple of identities. But to tell you the truth, the other me is split into so many that I fail to remember which one I adorned when and with whom.

I am shy and smiling. A talk less an wonder. I am immeasurably polite and extremely obliging. I seek to woo.

Then I laugh out loud and talk unendingly. That is how they are, and I pretend. Why do I try so hard to merge?
Of late, I wonder, is my mind contaminated by some psychiatric ailment? When I am alone why do I have to toil to identify me? Why only after great effort am I able to communicate with me. To be accepted and loved, I have sacrificed myself. When did this endeavor begin/ I only wish I knew. Long years and sleepless nights have made a cluster of confusion of me. So much that my family fails to recognize me today. And my partner has no idea who he is living with. They love me, but which one of me? No, I cannot question them I have cheated them. I have eluded ‘me’.