I have always dwelled in the future; always awaited the
future – near and distant. All these years, the present never complained, never
reprimanded me, never spoke for itself. It patiently bore my flippancy towards
it.
All this while, all these years of my life, I dreamt of
loads of happiness and impending success to come my way ‘one fine day’. I
envisioned that one day my inscrutable existence would define itself and I
would rejoice to personal as well as professional glory. A day when my troubled
mind and aching heart would finally be able to rest. When everyone around me
would eventually accept me with my misgivings and my despondency would shrivel
up to reveal the exuberant me.
Today, like every other day, I walked the long road towards
my house, racing against the approaching twilight and prepping myself up with
thoughts of a nice cup of homemade coffee and then my favourite show on
television. A man on a bike suddenly crossed my way as I turned into my lane
and halted my steps. There I was, standing dumbstruck for a moment and staring
at a lush green garden blooming with the colours of winter.
I have walked this road infinite number of times and never
spared a glance? Are You playing with me? You let this escape me? He replied, “But
that is what you always wanted. To rush back home to a future moment when you
sit on your couch and weave a mesh of unfulfilled desires; desires that may
never come true.”
Yes. I ignores the bliss that is today and the agony; as
escapist dodging both the smile and the tear. Desiring profound success instead
of basking in the glory of today, expectant of being happy and at peace rather
than taking on the turmoil of today and not finding solace in the arms of my
beloved today but dreaming of a lifelong tryst.
Here I am, with the people who love me and I wonder why am
not being adored by the ephemeral unknown, lazing in the winter sun and summer
rain and thinking of a time when I’ll be too busy to know the season and being
irresponsible and selfish and desiring to be loaded with duties that I may not
even be able to fulfil.
Seems like I have turned out to be an embodiment of the
perplexed being, swaying between two unknown worlds – one that I have no
control over and the other that I can but wish not to master.
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